Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan desu Chapter 8 - Judgement

From the day following Masaya's suicide, I secluded myself within my room.

On several occasions, I ventured out to address inquiries from Toguchi-sensei and others. Despite my explanations, my responses were largely confined to "I don't know," as I maintained a facade. I was compelled to uphold my arrogant persona, going to extreme lengths. "I was being watched. There's absolutely no way I'm involved in this suicide," I declared, only to receive a punch from my father, tasting the spread of blood in my mouth.

However, the absence of any concrete proof was undeniable.

Perhaps it was time to reveal everything? To lay bare my plans for the revolution?

This thought crossed my mind multiple times, but the answer was invariably negative. I doubted those around me would ever place their trust in me.

Consequently, I remained confined to my room, venturing out only when absolutely necessary. Though I sealed my window sills tightly, a sense of unease persisted. I further secured the gaps with tape, retreating beneath my blankets.

All I could do was tremble.

It was an abyss of despair.

Downstairs, the sounds of my parents arguing echoed through the house.

The television in my room broadcasted the news, labeling me the 'demonic middle school boy' who had manipulated four individuals, ultimately driving one to despair under his watchful gaze. They spoke of how I was being watched, and how one of them was driven to despair.

"No... I'm just some worthless trash."

A throng of media personnel seemed to have gathered in front of my residence. I cautiously peeled back the tape on my window, peered out, and flinched when my gaze seemed to meet theirs. Oh, and the neighborhood aunties, speaking on TV, described me as 'gloomy,' saying, 'I can't tell what he's thinking.' Enough of such nonsense. How could anyone living nearby possibly understand me?

They were entirely unaware of the Human Power Test, Masaya's exceptional talents, or the revolution I was orchestrating.

"Damn it. I must persist in living... I will be ridiculed by the anonymous masses, yet I shall revel in my own baseness..."

I refused to admit defeat. Hadn't I already resolved to push forward regardless of the sacrifices, embracing my destiny as true trash?

Yet, the final blow Masaya dealt me was exceedingly severe.

The entire nation was vehemently wishing for my demise: "Die."

Panting heavily on my bed, my smartphone on the table suddenly rang. This phone was exclusively for contacting my parents, so I was puzzled about the caller. Leaning forward, I answered it.

The sender was Sou. Ah, right, I had indeed shared my email address with him.

"I was concerned since you weren't online. Eh, is this the revolution you desired?"

"NO!"

I shouted. Typing furiously, I sent him a message:

"This is not the revolution I envisioned. I sought a different outcome. I never anticipated Masaya would take his own life."

He immediately replied, as if in a chat:

"...I suppose. I know you're not the type to truly wish harm upon others. However, you are the one who instigated this. Do you comprehend?"

"Shut up."

"To be frank, I am disappointed. I held expectations for you, hoping you would discuss this with me someday, but it has culminated in this manner. You caused the prodigious Masaya Kishitani to commit suicide, and the Kotomi Ishikawa you favor is now in a coma."

"I told you to shut up."

"Hey, Sugawara, as you stated, you aren't the last in the Human Power Test, correct? This implies someone voted for you. Do you realize that person might be Kotomi Ishikawa? Do you have anyone else who voted for you?"

"Shut up, shut up. Stop speaking as if you understand my predicament."

"She was bound by the Human Power Test and deeply envied your apparent disregard for others. She held you in high regard, pinning her hopes on you. You betrayed her, and she fell into a coma."

Sou continued to send messages:

"You disappoint me, Sugawara."

I hurled my phone against the wall, where it landed with a soft thud, leaving a small dent upon impact before bouncing back. The battery dislodged and fell to the floor, yet the phone itself remained intact. This resilience was a testament to my own weakness.

Taking several deep breaths, I retrieved two pieces of bubble gum from the can on the table, popped them into my mouth, and leaned against the table. Closing my eyes, I located the scattered phone and battery, reassembled them, and then sent a message to Sou.

"You know something, don't you? Why did Masaya die? Speak up. Who are you? Answer me. What did you do to Masaya? Did you kill him?"

Ever since I began interacting with this individual, everything had changed. He undoubtedly held some knowledge.

But his response was detached:

"You appear to be mistaken. I have no involvement in this matter. Even if you attempt to shift the blame onto me, the situation will not improve."

His message concluded with these words:

"However, I do believe our interaction must now cease, Sugawara. I offer my apologies; I never intended to disrupt your peaceful life, and it is my failing that I could not build trust with you. Farewell. Our interactions thus far have been enjoyable."

After reading his message, I sent several more, but received no reply.

Sou had abandoned me.

That night, the house was filled with an intense clamor, and it was only later that I realized my parents had departed in the dead of night.

It wasn't until the following morning that the stark realization hit: they had absconded, abandoning their son. A letter, bearing printed words, lay on the table, and deciphering its meaning took a significant amount of time. Just like dinner the night before, breakfast fell under my purview, so my first act was to proceed to the kitchen. Into the toaster went the bread, eggs and bacon sizzled in a frying pan, and a pot of black tea began to brew. My parents remained asleep, and I harbored doubts, until my eyes landed upon that letter.

The contents of the letter were succinct.

They had resigned from their jobs and departed from this residence. A sum for a week's worth of household expenses was provided, with the hope that I would remain here and refrain from contacting their former employers.

"...They've forsaken me."

The words escaped my lips in a murmur. It appeared they intended to delegate everything to me. I bore the responsibility for all of it, so I could empathize with their distress. Yet, to depart without a single word - is this how parents behave?

Even my own parents had abandoned me.

"Those two simply wouldn't heed my words in the end..."

The desolate house felt like a prison.

My appetite diminished. As the incident replayed in my mind, a heavy pressure settled in my stomach. I attempted to eat several times, only to be met with vomiting.

However, even amidst this desolate existence, my mind remained remarkably sharp.

Thus, unnoticed by anyone, I slipped out of the house under the cloak of night, exiting through the back door, and made my way to a specific location.

Upon reaching my destination, I pressed the doorbell repeatedly and kicked at the door. An unfamiliar, obese, middle-aged woman answered, whom I unceremoniously pushed aside, storming into the house. My status as an intruder did not concern me.

"Kouta Katou!"

I bellowed with every ounce of my strength.

"Come out here! You're the one, aren't you!?"

Kouta Katou emerged from his room, clad in pajamas. His stunned expression quickly contorted into one of fear, and I seized him by the chest, eliciting a sheepish howl from him.

I shoved him towards the door.

"You were the one tormenting Masaya, weren't you?"

Following the physical assault, ink had been poured into Masaya's notebook. I had pondered the perpetrator's identity, and finally settled on the sole individual foolish enough to commit such an act.

"You thought I wouldn't figure it out? You believed you could use that time to pin all the blame on me, didn't you?"

But Kouta Katou shook his head, denying the accusation.

"N-no, not at all. Enough with that nonsense. I-it was you, wasn't it, Sugawara?"

"I never went near Masaya's desk that day. The entire class was watching me, so I know for a fact. Besides, that's a completely different brand from mine."

"I-I'm the same! Look at my calligraphy bag; it's a different brand!"

Upon hearing these words, I delivered a punch to Katou's face. His mother, standing nearby, let out a brief shriek, but I paid her no mind.

Katou crumpled to the floor, and I stamped my foot on his head.

"I never said it was 'ink,' you idiot!"

A person like him deserved severe punishment.

My impulse was to unleash all my fury upon Katou, but his mother stepped in to shield him. "I'm calling the police!" she wailed. I considered smashing the phone in the living room but restrained myself.

This guy is insignificant.

I pushed Katou's mother aside once more, kicked Katou again, and turned to leave. It was then that I noticed I was still wearing my sneakers. Truly, remaining in this environment would only cause my intellect to erode.

So I thought, but suddenly, a voice called out to me.

"Sugawara! No matter what foolishness you engage in, you're finished!"

It was Kouta Katou. Assuming I was leaving, he felt he had gained an advantage and began to boast.

"Everyone will assume you did it! It's convenient to bully Masaya here without any risk! If anyone discovers it was me, I'll claim you threatened me! You're a devilish middle schooler!"

"Oh, so it was you who revealed everything to the media as 'Student A'?"

I turned back, remarking this.

Katou sneered.

"I only did that once! Masaya wasn't doomed by me! Regardless, it's you who doomed Masaya! You murderer!"

I am a killer.

But then, do you dare claim you had no part in Masaya's demise?

I had no intention of continuing my lecture to Katou. I had much to say to him, but like myself, he was dim-witted and would not comprehend, no matter how much I explained. Even if he did, it would be futile.

Therefore, all I did was to redirect my rage. My sole purpose was to vent my fury upon Katou.

"So, foolish creatures wouldn't know how to guard against eavesdropping, would they?"

I threatened, pulling my smartphone from my pocket.

The color drained from his face immediately, and shortly after, he lost all strength, collapsing to the floor.

"You're fortunate to have your mother comforting you."

I mocked, then turned and departed Katou's residence.

My skin tore as I drove my right fist into Katou's teeth. I touched the injury and returned home beneath the winter sky. I felt no sense of victory; merely unleashing my rage left me feeling even more hollowed out. On my way back, I vomited. Leaning against a traffic sign, I attempted to regain my composure.

"Damn it..."

To be honest, I didn't record anything; I merely intimidated him. My youthful naivety led me to his house solely to throw a tantrum. I was disheartened by my own uselessness.

Even if I had recorded him, all the blame would likely have been redirected at me. No one would believe that a single instance of harassment could drive Masaya to despair, nor would they seriously consider any evidence I might present.

The person who ultimately sealed Masaya's fate was undeniably me.

I am trash.

Upon returning home, I discovered messages from my so-called beloved classmates. I hadn't checked them in a while, which is why I only noticed them now.

The opening was phrased in a way that only our class would understand, confirming it wasn't some elaborate prank.

The main body contained about thirty lines, all conveying the same message but written in different handwritings.

"To the devil who killed Masaya, may you die."

The letter was filled with such sentiments.

It encapsulated the fury of my 32 classmates, excluding Masaya, Ishikawa, and myself.

I used it to wipe my nose, then crumpled it into a ball and tossed it into the trash.

Apart from visiting Katou's house, I began to venture out alone.

I found myself unable to eat during the day, but as soon as the sun set, a profound hunger would set in. It was during these moments that I would leave my home. I reasoned that perhaps I was deficient in calcium, iron, or that the excessive stress was causing these issues. Thus, I would go to the convenience store, picking up some Kanto fare or simple meals. Most of the time, I ate by the roadside, as returning home to eat invariably led to vomiting.

My favorite spot turned out to be the top of an overpass.

This road served as the city's lifeline, with cars continuously passing by even deep into the night. Dining on hot food atop this overpass was an experience quite unlike any other.

Gazing out at the unending expanse of the road that stretched beyond my sight, I fervently wished for an escape from it all. The courage to end my own life, however, eluded me.

Alone in the darkness, I watched the passing headlights and filled my empty stomach.

The biting cold of December left me trembling uncontrollably.

Seven days later, I finally decided to take action.

After a week of sheer agony, I resolved to reignite my revolution. There seemed to be no other path; any alternative choice at this juncture would render the sacrifices I had already made utterly meaningless.

And so, precisely because of the price I had paid, I could not possibly give up now.

I had already surrendered any hope for myself. My mindset had become entirely self-destructive.

"The entire world may be my enemy, but so what? I've been condemned to death by everyone, labeled a psychopath by the media, disowned by my parents, rejected by my friends, and cursed by my classmates to 'die.' But then again, no one ever stood by my side in the first place... no one in this world will ever love me... Who do I even think I am? This is the true me."

Masaya had no hesitation in sacrificing his own life to sabotage my revolution.

Consequently, I resolved to advance to the next phase—the 'second revolution.'

This time, I would wager my very life and set out to reshape this world.

"Hey, Masaya. I intend to continue this fight against you."

This decision represented a difficult choice.

A mere middle schooler was capable of very little.

At this point, all my meticulously laid plans had been shattered by Masaya; in fact, they had been turned back against me. My words were reduced to mere empty justifications. Most critically, the very target of my intended actions had vanished, profoundly impacting the trajectory of my revolution.

Masaya Kishitani's counter-plan was even more flawless than before.

Over the ensuing three days, I consumed 56 cups of black tea and chewed through 53 pieces of bubble gum. I made no attempt to emulate the 'cool' image by learning to smoke, simply because I am trash with insufficient courage.

I boiled water to prepare the 57th cup of black tea, slowly retracing my thoughts.

As I hadn't tidied up my room for days, rubbish lay scattered everywhere while I scribbled away with a ballpoint pen.

I relentlessly refined the plan, pondering and reflecting on every aspect.

Yet, in this precarious predicament, I felt utterly powerless. At best, my capabilities were limited to sending a cat's carcass and a bizarre prelude into Masaya's mailbox. I had no desire to encounter Masaya's mother again, but without neutralizing 'her,' this formidable threat, the plan likely wouldn't succeed.

Thus, approximately two weeks after Masaya's self-inflicted death, a significant opportunity arose for the second revolution.

It occurred while I was casually eating potato chips on the bridge late one night.

A tall, slender woman suddenly appeared before me.

"Yo, Takkun."

It was the same woman I had met previously at the food court. If my memory served me correctly, her name was Sayo. She was exceptionally tall for a woman, even taller than my father. It was the first time I had encountered someone who seemed so perfectly suited to wearing a rider suit. Her appearance on the bridge, rather than on the road below, already struck me as exceedingly out of place.

We had met before, yet she addressed me by a peculiar name. Perhaps she was mistaken.

"Who's Takkun? I don't go by that name."

"I know. You're Taku Sugawara, right? That's why you're Takkun."

This was exceedingly strange, but far more critical matters occupied my thoughts, compelling me to instinctively recoil.

She knew my name.

My knowledge about her extent was unclear, but the fact that she knew my name made the situation far too perilous.

"I'm aware of all the incidents within your class. However, rest assured, I'm not privy to the actual truth; all I comprehend is my ignorance."

With that declaration, she swiftly extended her hand, grasping my collar. My poor physical condition likely contributed to how easily I was captured. Despite my attempts to strike her hand away, I was maneuvered into a different posture, pinned against the bridge's railing.

An instant later, a chilling metallic sensation pierced through my clothing, into my chest.

This was by no means a situation where one could remain calm.

"What do you want?" I inquired, lowering my voice. "Seeking some snacks? I noticed potato chips scattered on the ground."

"Who would want those? What have you done to Masaya Kishitani? What is this 'revolution' you speak of? Just tell me."

Ah, the realization dawned on me instantly. She was confronting me as well. While she had once offered encouragement, she was now holding me accountable for my transgressions.

This is truly disheartening.

Everyone had chosen to abandon me. No one was willing to stand by my side. The moment this truth settled in, a profound sadness washed over me. Is survival truly this arduous for someone perceived as worthless? Was the struggle this intense?

I felt on the verge of tears. Gritting my teeth, I forcefully stomped on Sayo's foot. However, she maintained her grip with even greater strength, unwavering.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

"I'VE TOLD YOU EVERYTHING. I BULLIED THEM ALL!" I shouted. "MASAYA HAS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR EXPOSING EVERYTHING ONLINE, SO I SMACKED HIM WITH THE WATER BOTTLE. I CONTINUED TO HARASS HIM, PUSHING HIM TOWARDS SUICIDE. HE DESERVED IT!"

I could no longer contain myself.

Be it the plan or the revolution, I abandoned all other thoughts and simply let my voice boom.

After all, wasn't this what all of Japan had been hoping for?

Could this be considered happiness?

"BULLYING IS AN INVENTION THAT SPANS ACROSS CIVILIZATION! FORGET DREAMS AND NATIONAL DESTINIES, JUST LOCK THIRTY YOUNG PEOPLE IN A SAUNA! IT'S AN ANTIDOTE TO BORING DAYS! WITHOUT EXCITEMENT, HUMANS CANNOT SURVIVE!"

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

"MY MOTIVE? SIMPLE JEALOUSY! MY FIRST LOVE WAS MASAYA'S GIRLFRIEND! HE WAS THE POPULAR ONE! IT'S ONLY NATURAL THAT HE BECAME MY TARGET! IT'S CALLED A REVOLUTION! ISN'T IT COOL! IT'S A FLAWLESS, PERFECT CRIME!"

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

"SO I'M GOING TO CONTINUE MY REVENGE! I REFUSE TO FORGIVE MASAYA'S MOTHER! SHE FORCED ME TO KNEEL BEFORE EVERYONE WITH THAT RIDICULOUS PUNISHMENT! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE SUCH SCUM! I'M NOT GOING TO F---"