Marvel: A Lazy-Ass Superman Chapter 767: The Friendly Neighborhood

Summer, 2002.

A friendly neighborhood Spider-Man began appearing on the streets of New York, swinging between buildings in a red-and-blue bodysuit.

Then the circulation of one newspaper began to surge, breaking into the top ten in New York City.

It was the Daily Bugle, the newspaper dedicated to exposing every last bit of Spider-Man’s dirty laundry, along with its owner and editor-in-chief, J. Jonah Jameson.

Was it because college hadn’t started yet that Spider-Man was making frequent appearances?

Thinking of this guy, who turned his private life into a complete mess just to deal with all the trivial nonsense happening on the streets, yet could still comfortably remain at Empire State University, Henry wondered whether he should praise Peter Parker for being genuinely smart—or wonder if the standards of this university were simply that low.

Still, even a chicken coop could produce a phoenix.

Among Empire State University’s visiting professors was one name that would make anyone want to turn around and run the moment they saw it: Reed Richards.

Had this troublemaker failed to scam enough research funding by pursuing a doctorate, so he had switched tactics and become a professor to scam research grants instead?

Henry didn’t investigate the troublemaker’s intentions any further. He could barely avoid him as it was; why would he deliberately provoke him?

While casually checking Empire State University’s student roster, Henry made an interesting discovery.

Jonathan Stone was a fourth-year student at Empire State University.

That guy was the future Mister Fantastic’s brother-in-law, the Human Torch.

Meanwhile, Peter Parker, Harry Osborn, and the other major figures connected to Spider-Man would naturally be entering university alongside Gwen this year.

The feeling that the curtain was about to rise was becoming increasingly obvious.

Henry couldn’t say whether he was looking forward to it or trying to escape it.

He just felt that he had bought his house too early.

He had impulsively gotten a bargain, but now it looked as though he had actually dug himself into a pit.

Watching the little Spider-Man swing through the streets of New York and pass by his window, Henry experienced a very strange sensation from inside the building on East Forty-Ninth Street.

For some inexplicable reason... he felt an urge to grab a flyswatter and swat the kid out of the air.

Well, impulse was the devil. A man had to exercise restraint.

The newly empowered Spider-Man was still in the honeymoon phase of his abilities, thoroughly addicted to the satisfaction of fighting crime.

Once again, he fired a web and swung toward a higher point.

And then he saw something extremely unexpected...

A cartoon-style minotaur was standing on a rooftop.

It wasn’t holding some enormous weapon. It simply waved at him.

It looked as though it had been waiting there specifically to meet him.

And indeed, they had met.

Thinking he had imagined it, Spider-Man swung toward another building.

Then he saw a female Bugs Bunny wearing a tuxedo jacket and an extremely high-cut swimsuit.

She also waved at him and greeted him as naturally as could be.

The dumbfounded Spider-Man instinctively fired another web and continued swinging forward.

When he reached the next high point, he saw Robin Hood standing on the rooftop of another building.

Except it was Donald Duck dressed as Robin Hood.

Now completely speechless, Spider-Man forgot to fire his web and swung back along his original path.

Halfway through the backward swing, he came to his senses, hurriedly fired a web, changed direction, and landed on the rooftop where the Donald Duck mascot had been standing.

Except the duck mascot that had originally been there was gone.

Spider-Man poked his head around, looking left and right, but couldn’t find even a trace of it.

There wasn’t anything on this rooftop large enough to conceal something that size.

Every movement of this friendly neighborhood Spider-Man was being observed from a rooftop higher up.

Three suits of armor disguised as mascots were monitoring him through long-range cameras.

Small windows were displayed on the external monitors inside their helmets, magnifying Spider-Man’s image. Every movement he made was clearly visible to the three observers.

Gilgamesh, inside the minotaur armor, said, "So this is the... uh, what did that kid call him?"

Tina, wearing the Bonnie armor, answered, "A vigilante. An idiot who doesn’t get paid."

Cassandra, who was operating the Green Arrow Duck armor rather than Henry, laughed. "That second part really does sound like something he’d say."

"He did say it," Tina emphasized.

Cassandra froze for a moment before awkwardly asking, "Then what about the time you two entered the sewers and helped eliminate those vampires?"

"Fun."

"Boring."

Gilgamesh and Tina answered respectively.

Based on what Cassandra knew about the two of them...

Well, yes. They really were the sort of people who would act for exactly those reasons.

The people responsible for thinking things through in their group were the others, not these two.

"So what do you think about the little kid down there?" Cassandra asked.

"Look at him with our eyes."

"Watch him while sitting down."

"Fine. I feel like I asked for nothing." Cassandra was speechless. "I thought you’d be interested in using this equipment to help people and do some good deeds."

"Competing with the police for business? Hmm, no thanks."

Gilgamesh opened the helmet of the minotaur armor, moving the disproportionately large horned head back behind him.

Looking at Green Arrow Duck, he said, "You’ve used the Duck Panther armor too. You should know that the weapons and equipment these suits can use aren’t meant to deal with petty thieves and street criminals.

"Besides, this is a city ruled by humans. They have their own order, established by humans themselves. Constantly meddling in other people’s affairs will only make them hate you.

"I know that from personal experience."

As though he hadn’t finished, Gilgamesh added, "It’s too much to ask them to live by our moral standards. Good people are humans, and bad people are humans too. Give them another thousand years, or ten thousand years, and they won’t improve all that much."

"Hmm. It’s really hard to argue with that."

Cassandra paused.

"If we’d just met, I would have been very unhappy hearing you say that. But I’ve lived for a very long time too. Even the people I thought highly of don’t necessarily have descendants who turn out the same way.

"Sometimes, it’s quite disappointing."

The three immortals continued chatting among themselves, paying no attention to the Spider-Man below.

Little did they know that the inexperienced Spider-Man was wondering whether he had somehow suffered a side effect from spider venom.

Perhaps his physical abilities had been enhanced, but now he was hallucinating.

His spider-sense could detect danger in advance, but it had no way of sensing three gossipy old women nearby talking about him.

That was simply too much to ask of the poor little Spider-Man.

Worried, he had no choice but to end his patrol early and go home to check whether there was something wrong with his body or eyesight.

He still hadn’t found the man who had killed Uncle Ben. He couldn’t afford to collapse before finding him.

Meanwhile, Cassandra remained on the rooftop and finally asked a question she had been wanting to ask for a long time.

"Who is Henry’s hypothetical enemy? Those new breeds of vampires in the sewers aren’t exactly showing up every day."

"Actually..." Tina spoke, causing the other two to turn toward her.

"...I think Henry simply doesn’t feel safe. That’s why he does all these things.

"After all, he’s alone on this planet."

Gilgamesh immediately understood what Tina meant, as well as the concern hidden in her words.

After all, Tina herself suffered from the madness that afflicted her kind. At one point, there had even been discussions about whether she should be exiled or have her original memories erased.

She had once been forced to face that same kind of loneliness.

That was precisely why Gilgamesh had remained by her side, unwilling to let his fellow Eternal face that feeling alone.

Because he didn’t dare imagine how badly he himself would break down if he were placed in the same situation.

Cassandra understood that loneliness too.

When everyone who knew her, and everyone she knew, had died, she had once fallen into that same state of panic.

But by now, she had long since adjusted.

So how could that child, thrown onto this planet and left all alone, possibly feel no fear at all?

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